Woman who doesn’t feel pain may just be a zombie.

There are zombies among us.


Scientists have found a woman in the UK who naturally doesn’t feel pain and had reduced scarring from severe injuries. It was first brought to their attention when Ms. Jo Cameron went to the hospital for a scheduled hip replacement. The authors of this rare finding stated: “She reported numerous burns and cuts without pain, often smelling her burning flesh before noticing any injury, and these wounds healed quickly with little or no residual scarring.” Umm…what?


Imagine for a second never having to experience the agonizing pain of cutting your finger while cooking, stepping on a spiky cheesecake or seeing Mario Lopez on a print ad for the Mercedes Benz of Scottsdale. This woman is on a whole other level. After all, the flesh on her arm was melting like a bowl of raspberry sorbet in the Serengeti, which, by the way, is a really lovely picnic idea if you’re in Tanzania! Plus, she recovered from that hip surgery pretty damn well for a process that is normally “severely debilitating.” These superhuman abilities are enough to make Kyrie Irving believe the earth is round.


Her condition has been attributed to a mutation in the FAAH, or Fatty Acid Amide Hydrolase gene. This gene is linked to the central nervous system, which helps control pain. Also, it is apparently reactive to the use of cannabis. So, I think I know what’s happening here…Jo is smoking weed from her burning arm. Very clever Miss Jo…very clever.


Now, scientists are well acquainted with the FAAH gene, but there’s a second gene that was originally put into the DNA equivalent of the friend zone in a category known as “junk DNA.” This second gene is referred to as the “FAAH-out” gene, which we speculate was named by Seth Rogen after three hot pockets and a big burp. The FAAH-out acts like a switch, in that most people’s are typically on, while Jo’s can be turned off.


Recently, scientists at Harvard University have also found that the regenerative powers in creatures such as starfish and lizards were rooted in genes written off as junk DNA. These genes for early growth response, or EGR, have similar switches and, get this, are also found in humans.


The idea that humans could one day regenerate lost limbs or other body parts would be huge for medicine, quality of life, and my bi-weekly limbless parties that people are always “too busy” to attend. Not to mention the dream of being able to scratch that itchy spot on your back that’s always out of reach. Just break off that rotator cuff and BAM – back scratcher alert!


But if I cut off my arm, does my arm generate a whole new body that looks just like me? Could I make an army of like-minded clones that will obey my every command, or at least play scrabble with me? Would we come up with the same words after a few games and get mad at each other for group think!?


I still don’t really know how this works. What I do know is that there seems to be a pattern. Here’s a hunch, maybe if something is in our DNA, it’s there for a reason?


Now before you start coming up with alter egos or scanning Zillow looking for your own Fortress of Solitude; we are nowhere close to attaining these superhuman powers…yet. However, scientists are hopeful that this and other discoveries could lead to progress in patients who are recovering from surgery and dealing with chronic pain.


What do you think about this potential breakthrough? Would you be open to participating in future genetic treatments? What would you have your posse of clones do for you? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to like and follow for more LATV news.



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