Taco Bell recently announced the latest wave of menu items to be phased out in an effort to overhaul their offerings. Fans of the Mexican-inspired chain are devastated and outraged now that their go to hangover orders will soon be denied. The Taco Bell subreddit has locked down in protest until the company reverses the removals. Their disappointment is warranted as some of the stoner-capitalist creations have been menu staples since the ’80s.
I’ll be ok… no really. I’ll be fine.
I won’t lie to y’all. The last time I was in a Taco Bell was on Halloween in 2019 when an inebriated patron noticed the Megadeth shirt I was wearing, told me to sit down next to him, and proceeded to tell me a story about how Dave Mustaine once bought a crack pipe from his brother’s smoke shop. Much like these soon-to-be defunct menu items, I didn’t need that story, and I haven’t worn the shirt out in public since.
However, out of what little respect I have left for the high school version of me who ate this stuff all the time, I’d like to say few words and pour out a Baja Blast for the foods we’ve lost.
Mexican Pizza (1988-2020)
Ah the infamous Mexican Pizza. I remember pulling up in the drive thru, seeing its awkward placement on the menu, and saying to myself, “Who in their right mind would order that?” If the Mexican Pizza was a family member, it’d be the bastard child of your drunk tío that liked the wine in Rome too much. Though like that drunk tío, who would try to justify his culinary debauchery as being necessary for world peace, the Mexican Pizza was fun.
By removing the MP from the menu, Taco Bell stated that it will save over 7 million pounds in shipping materials every year. While I respect the effort for sustainability, I’m still having a difficult time believing that many people ordered the thing. Nevertheless, it will be sorely missed.
Nacho Fries (2018-2020)
These are all but guaranteed to come back at some point. Combining well-seasoned fries with their cheese sauce was a total no brainer and they sold like hot cakes (which are not on the menu). When the T-Bells ring to signify the Nacho Fries’ resurrection, expect a religious-level pilgrimage from the chain’s most devout fans.
The real loss here is the absence of potatoes all together. The cheesy fiesta potatoes were a top-notch a-la-carte item and extremely popular among vegetarians. Breakfast burritos no longer having hash browns is a valid excuse for a man to cry, right alongside witnessing your first-born child and burning man being cancelled. There-there buddy.
Pico de Gallo (?-2020)
To be honest, I can’t remember a time when Taco Bell didn’t have pico de gallo. The simple and delicious topping is a perfect compliment to any savory offering, which makes its departure all the more surprising. Taco Bell has stated that the salsa will be replaced with fresh diced tomatoes, which is like replacing chicken fried rice with just rice. This is what happens when you take things for granted.
Shredded Chicken (2019-2020)
Tasty and underrated. Arguably the closest Taco Bell has come to an authentic taste, alas they flew too close to the sun. Icarus was in fact, a pasty white boy.
Right now the state of the menu might appear bleak, but there is still room for optimism. The return of the highly successful Quesalupa is imminent with an upgraded cheese-stuft shell. That, along with the introduction of the Chicken Chipotle Melt and the Dragonfruit slush shows that the chain isn’t finished with its Dr. Moreau-esque food experiments. If Taco Bell knows anything, it’s their customers’ appetites for the unconventional, and they’ll continue to change the way we think about food.