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a fruit drink on the beach
a fruit drink on the beach

Guy’s Guide to Fruity Drinks (And Why They’re Okay)

During this pandemic, a whole lot of drinking has been going down. The reason is as simple as simple syrup: everyone has been home, bored, and many are off work (or at least don’t need to be in the office). Now, we’re not condoning excessive drinking of any kind, but if you’re planning a drinking night, I’d like to present The Guy’s Guide to Fruity Drinks (for everyone).

So why is it a guy’s guide? Well, the arbitrator of this list is me, and I’m a guy, and I’ve been mocked my entire life for my taste in drinks. I feel there’s a certain stigma when it comes to fruity cocktails and masculinity. I should divulge that enjoying fruity cocktails is one of three flamboyant things I do. The other two involve a hat with turquoise stones and a dead squirrel on it (that Bruno gave me), and a pair of pink and baby blue Nike Airs I bought, but never wear because they’re a half size too small.

Anyway, I know there are guys (and gals) out there like me who like to sip on something sweet and delicious…and also a little sassy or somewhat silly, maybe even bright orange…without looking like they’re rushing for a sorority. Don’t let those traditional oak and barrel liquor snobs insult your taste in libations. If you want a more mature list of cocktails, check out our previous recipes.

So here it is. Unabashedly and unashamed, I present a list of my favorite fruity concoctions:

Mai Tai
A classic and, I don’t care what anyone says, tasty elixir of rum, fruit juices and syrup. There are many versions of this drink, but essentially it is white rum, dark rum, lime juice, and rock candy syrup, among other ingredients. When done right, it’s delish, and loaded enough with alcohol and sugar that two of them should knock you off your culito.

Rum and Pineapple
It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s rum, preferably spiced rum like Sailor Jerry, and pineapple juice. Try and screw it up… just try.

Guava Or Other Fruit-Flavored Margarita
I know what some of you are thinking: a margarita should not be messed with. You do it old school. You make it tart. You throw some extra lime in there if you want to be cute, and you put salt along the rim. But the truth is, a fruity margarita done right, with fresh ingredients like guava paste, watermelon puree, mango pulp, or fresh cut tamarindo, is about the tastiest drink on earth.

Madras
The madras is an easy drink to nurse when you just want to waif about the party looking blasé about the art, or music, or people… you get the picture. It’s an acidic cocktail consisting of vodka (a soft, smooth brand like Belvedere is good for this one), orange juice, and cranberry juice. It’s not too bright or frisky looking, but it’ll get you in the mood.

Vodka Soda With Extra Lemons
This one is easy. My pick is Kettel One Vodka. You mix it in tonic if you don’t like cutting corners, or maybe club soda if you’re cutting back on the cals. Then you ask for extra lemons — like three or four wedges, five even. The point is to make a freaking lemonade out of it. Enjoy.

The Almondy
I want to make it official right here that I take credit (along with an actor friend of mine who used to bartend) for creating this drink. It might have existed somewhere else (I’m open to that possibility) but I swear to God that I had never heard of or tasted this drink before me and my buddy came up with it. It’s one part Stolichnaya Vanilla Vodka (which I’d never drink other than in this cocktail), one part pineapple juice, and one part Frangelico. I thought it tasted…”almondy.” So, I named it The Almondy. It’s perfect for dessert.

There you go guys. Drink them confidently and with conviction. In fact, flaunt these fruity drinks. It says a lot about how comfortable you are with yourself. Let us know what your favorite fruity drink is in the comments below.

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